How often do you go into a restaurant and say your order, only to be asked again about it. “I’d like a 6-inch Italian sub on wheat please, no peppers.”
Then within a few seconds, you get 3 questions: “What kind of bread?” A few seconds later, “Will that be 6-inch or 12?” Followed by “Peppers on that?”
Or maybe it is at the airport. I’ll hand my boarding pass and ID and say, again after pleasant greetings: “I’m on the 5:45 flight to Gulfport, checking no bags.”
Almost immediately I’m asked “Where you headed today?” Seconds later, eyes buried in the computer: “How many bags?”
It can be different days, different people -- same experience – No One is Listening.
How often at a party or gathering are you introduced to a person you are meeting for the first time and a couple of minutes later you are asking yourself – what was that person’s name?
Not listening or not remembering is rude and disrespectful. No one is hungry for a second conversation with you. William James, father of modern psychology, said the deepest human need is the craving to feel understood and appreciated.
When we don’t listen, we violate that need.
ACTIONS FOR YOU
To make a great impression on someone and build the foundation for a strong relationship in order to have the person want to be around you – remember their name.
Give them the gift of listening to what they have to say. If it helps – repeat their name back to them. Playing it back shows you care.
Listening has been important over the ages. Native Americans had protocols for tribal council meetings. Using a ceremonial talking stick, only the holder of the stick may speak. No interrupting allowed. Respectful listening required.
In Harville Hendrix’s book, “Getting The Love You Want” – gives an excellent method for having a focused conversation. He calls it Intentional Dialoguing. He outlines 3 steps.
First, mirroring back to the speaker what she said, in your own words, to verify you heard the intended message.
Second, summarizing and expressing understanding, without personal spin or judgment.
Third is empathizing, or putting yourself in the speaker’s shoes and verifying what it must feel like.
(Notice nothing says you agree… just that you listen.)
You can’t do any of those 3 steps if you’re ignoring the speaker’s words, focused on your own point of view, or silently preparing your response.
Try it with your partner – validate them – have them feel important. What a gift you will give them.
Then within a few seconds, you get 3 questions: “What kind of bread?” A few seconds later, “Will that be 6-inch or 12?” Followed by “Peppers on that?”
Or maybe it is at the airport. I’ll hand my boarding pass and ID and say, again after pleasant greetings: “I’m on the 5:45 flight to Gulfport, checking no bags.”
Almost immediately I’m asked “Where you headed today?” Seconds later, eyes buried in the computer: “How many bags?”
It can be different days, different people -- same experience – No One is Listening.
How often at a party or gathering are you introduced to a person you are meeting for the first time and a couple of minutes later you are asking yourself – what was that person’s name?
Not listening or not remembering is rude and disrespectful. No one is hungry for a second conversation with you. William James, father of modern psychology, said the deepest human need is the craving to feel understood and appreciated.
When we don’t listen, we violate that need.
ACTIONS FOR YOU
To make a great impression on someone and build the foundation for a strong relationship in order to have the person want to be around you – remember their name.
Give them the gift of listening to what they have to say. If it helps – repeat their name back to them. Playing it back shows you care.
Listening has been important over the ages. Native Americans had protocols for tribal council meetings. Using a ceremonial talking stick, only the holder of the stick may speak. No interrupting allowed. Respectful listening required.
In Harville Hendrix’s book, “Getting The Love You Want” – gives an excellent method for having a focused conversation. He calls it Intentional Dialoguing. He outlines 3 steps.
First, mirroring back to the speaker what she said, in your own words, to verify you heard the intended message.
Second, summarizing and expressing understanding, without personal spin or judgment.
Third is empathizing, or putting yourself in the speaker’s shoes and verifying what it must feel like.
(Notice nothing says you agree… just that you listen.)
You can’t do any of those 3 steps if you’re ignoring the speaker’s words, focused on your own point of view, or silently preparing your response.
Try it with your partner – validate them – have them feel important. What a gift you will give them.